Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Attack of the Killer Potatoes! or is it Potatos? ah, who cares?

Yes, potatoes actually look like this for those of you that thought that they just slithered underground like those things in Tremors. They're huge, again, the pride of the neighborhood, like the cherry tomatoes growing in my back yard.

It turns out that they take a lot of room, and it's best to just grow them in a big pot or a tub like this. Some folks grow them in black bags, which is weird, and I don't completely understand the logistics of it, but whatever. Others swear that if you plant them in an old car tire, a few plants will fill up the tire by the end of the season and the taters will just come pouring out. I hope that the pot I'm using works like that. Obviously, as root vegetables, these things really want to root down, so you'll need to plant them in something deep to let the system flourish. Also, again as root vegetables, they dislike acidic soil, so make sure that the soil you buy has a low pH, like 5.0-5.2, whatever that means. Potatoes will get all scabby and gross if you plant them in soil that's too acidic, they'll look like Gary Busey after he crashed his motorcycle and that's just too frightening to imagine, just say no to scabs.

A lot of people say that you need to cut up the seed potatoes before planting, cut them in such a way that you get an eye or two on every segment before planting, that's what's going to sprout and spawn the spuds. I didn't cut mine up though, and I'm sure it will be fine, they look like they're doing well, they're only supposed to grow a couple of feet and mine are at about 3 feet at the time that I write this. But definitely, cut them up before planting, you'll probably get more and be in fries for years. You could even open up your own business: Loser Gardener's Pathetic Fry Stand, Everyone Come and Laugh. I would pay to see you dance for nickels.

Anyways, if you do decide to grow them, you're going to want to make sure that you don't overwater or underwater, apparently doing either of these causes the potatoes to look weird or taste weird and potatoes are sweet to look at, especially if you've grown them yourself. I water them whenever the soil looks dry, or I just stick my finger in there, about a couple inches down and check. If it's dry, soak them.

As they grow, the taters are going to want to come up out of the ground, so you may need to mound them (by which I mean just pack the soil in a mound over them) or simply just add soil periodically, because once they get exposed to sun, they turn green, you try to eat them, you die. Just kidding, but it will make you sick I guess. Green potatoes are poison potatoes, and every potato brings you closer to the poison potato. You don't want that. Again, I'm speaking to box gardeners or planter gardeners, you row gardeners can bite my ass and eat a poisoned potato. Yes, you're a dying breed, rummy, and we're coming to get you. The plants will eventually blossom, they're supposed to be a light blue or purple, they aren't that pretty from what I've been told, and you'll know to harvest when the flowers wilt and die. There's an old wive's tale that states that you'll get a potato for every bloom, so take that for what it's worth.

Once we get closer to harvesting, I'll write more about how to dig them up. You're supposed to be gentle, like a gay man at a whore house, so the potatoes don't get all scuffed up and cut, then you put them in a sack or something. Anyways, like I said, I'll write more when it comes closer to the harvest. Have fun and enjoy your green potatoes!

1 comment:

  1. I'm a row gardener, have been since I was a young lad. My pops taught me how to plant potatoes. We had 1/2 acre garden JUST for potatoes. How dare you dis my people.