Monday, July 4, 2011

what does this all have to do with zombies?

You might be asking yourself, "this blog is all well and good, but where are the zombies?"

I'll have you know that gardening is very pertinent to living in a zombified world. First off, zombies won't bother your garden (in the American sense), they don't like gardening, they don't do it, they have no use for it, they aren't, nor ever have been, good gardeners. If you're in the UK, pay no attention to this, as you think a garden is a back yard, which it obviously is not. Zombies love UK gardens, they love spending time there, staring off into space, waiting for you to come out before tearing your head off, rooting through your skull, and eating your hippocampus. The inherent problem lies with getting through your dangerous UK garden to the safety of your American garden without getting eaten, and let me tell you, it's not easy, but still relatively fun. You'll need a blunt weapon of some sort, a shovel will do, or a baseball bat/cudgel, and you'll need sunglasses, basketball goggles, or a motorcycle helmet, if 28 Days Later taught us anything, it's that if you get zombie blood in your eye, you will become a zombie as well. A nice pair of Carhardt coveralls are great too, as they are difficult to bite through and, if you live in Wisconsin like me, everyone has a pair or can easily loot their zombie-neighbors house for his. However, if the zombie apocalypse should come during the summer, make sure you get plenty of fluids and rest often while wearing them. These items should allow you to remain safe while navigating your backyard in the time of zombies.

Another reason that gardens are excellent for surviving zombie-world is that they provide edible substances for you and your family. The Schwann man is dead, they ate his eyeballs, there are people with guns holed up in the grocery stores, shooting all who come near, undead and living alike, the power is out and your zombie-neighbor's deer sausage has gone south, if only he would have ordered more jerky. You are living off of the spiders in your basement crawlspace, you ate all of the cat food, the cats, and your other zombie-neighbor's black lab, you need food, and your wife and kids are too skinny at this point to get much meat out of, they're more valuable pulling up carrots and radishes while you distract the former high school track star zombie that lived down the street. A great thing about this situation is that if you see a rabbit in your garden, you just bash it with your shovel and roast it over your propane tank attachment, it's like growing meat in your garden! Bonus.

My final argument for gardening in Tom Savini's apocalypse is that vegetables are good for you, they provide needed vitamins and minerals that your body needs to survive. Carrots are chock full of beta-carotene, which promotes healthy eye-sight they say, which you'll in turn need for spotting and robbing lightly-armed caravans of normals, desperately searching for safe haven but finding none down the barrel of your .45. Garlic is good for LDL cholesterol levels, which allows you to run faster and longer when being chased by the former City Manager, gigantic gaping hole where his nose used to be, wearing the tattered remnants of what his wife laid out for him on the night before this waking terror began, or for perhaps chasing down a feral pig, escaped from some forgotten sty on on a farm, long-dead and lost to history. Green beans are a fantastic source of dietary fiber, which can ward off colon cancer and help you plan your poops better so you don't get a turtle head poking out when there's a dreaded skin-eater nipping at your backside. Cherry tomatoes, in addition to being highly nutritious, are a quick and easy meal for a terrifyingly lonely life on the run. Lettuce grows in the shade and takes a long time to digest, which will fill your belly during the times of mad clarity and stark reality when you strongly consider putting the barrel of that .45 in your mouth and ending this hell on earth for just one more person.

Enjoy your garden!